I read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People twice. These are the relationship principles I actually use.
Most people read 7 Habits book for the productivity stuff.
But the section that’s actually changed how I treat people is the part on interdependence. Stephen Covey spends a huge chunk of the book on how trust gets built or destroyed in a relationship, and he gives you specific ways to think about it instead of just saying “be a good person.”
By the end of this, you’ll have a few tools from the section that you can actually put to use the next time you’re in a conflict or trying to build trust with someone.
Every Relationship Runs on an Emotional Bank Account
The biggest idea on trust in this whole book is that every relationship you have works like a bank account. You make deposits when you build trust, and withdrawals when you break it. Keep enough of a reserve built up, and the relationship can survive a rough patch. Let the account run dry, and even small mistakes turn into big problems.
I wrote it down for myself as this. It’s my responsibility to build enough high reserve emotional bank accounts to be able to make withdrawals in times when I need help. That’s the whole point of putting deposits in before you need them. You don’t want to be reaching for support from someone the first time you’ve ever asked them for anything.
The flip side matters too. People are going to withdraw from your account sometimes, whether they mean to or not. When that happens, the move isn’t to keep score or hold a grudge. It’s to accept it, learn something from it, and get to a place where it doesn’t sting anymore. You also get to decide, based on someone’s pattern of deposits and withdrawals, how much room you give them going forward.
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Always Aim for Win or Win, Never Settle for Less
This is Habit 4, and it’s the one I use the most because I use it at work every single day. I’m in sales, so my job is to sit across from somebody, hear what they actually need, and find a solution that works for both of us. Covey’s big insight is that this same approach works in every relationship, not just sales.
Here’s how Covey breaks it down. In any relationship, you’re either winning, meaning you feel good about the outcome, or losing, meaning you don’t. The same is true for the other person. That gives you four possible outcomes.
Win/win means you both come out ahead. Lose/win means you’re neglecting your own needs to keep someone happy. Win/lose means you’re winning at their expense, usually by piling up evidence to prove you’re right and they’re wrong. Lose/lose means nobody’s happy and everybody’s just being stubborn.
Never Promise What You Can’t Deliver
A promise is one of the biggest deposits you can make into someone’s trust account. Breaking one is one of the biggest withdrawals. Covey’s point here is simple. Don’t say you’ll do something unless you’re actually going to do it.
It sounds obvious, but most broken trust in relationships comes from small broken promises stacking up, not one big betrayal. Showing up when you say you will, following through on the small stuff, that’s what keeps the account full.
Don’t Skip the Conversation About Expectations
A lot of tension between people isn’t really about what happened. It’s about two people expecting different things and never actually saying so out loud. Covey calls clarifying expectations one of the most important deposits you can make, and I wrote it down for myself as this. Don’t put a limit on or take for granted the time and energy spent clarifying expectations, roles, and goals.
The fix is just talking about it early. Before you’re deep into a project, a friendship, or a partnership, spend the time actually laying out what each person expects from the other. It feels slow in the moment, but it saves you from the much bigger cost of a blowup later.
Make What Matters to Them Matter Just as Much to You
Understand what’s important to the other person, and make what’s important to them just as important to me as the relationship. Stephen Covey calls this understanding the individual. It’s the deposit that makes every other deposit land better.
This isn’t about agreeing with everything someone cares about. It’s about actually knowing what matters to them instead of assuming it’s the same stuff that matters to you. A gift, a favor, or an apology only works as a deposit if it’s something they actually value.
If You Wouldn’t Say It to Their Face, Don’t Say It at All
The last one is about integrity when someone isn’t in the room. I wrote it down as never say anything about someone that you wouldn’t say to them directly, and don’t try people without accusing them to their faces.
Covey calls this loyalty to the absent, and it might be the fastest way to earn deep trust from someone. When you defend people who aren’t there to defend themselves, everyone in the room learns something about you. They learn you’ll do the same for them.
That’s the wrap. Six principles, one book, all pointed at the same idea. Relationships aren’t something that just happen to you. They’re something you build one deposit at a time.
Bonus: The Easiest Way to Win Any Argument or Conflict
Earlier I mentioned the win/win. That’s the principle I use the most in an argument or conflict at work or in life. The next time you’re in an argument, disagreement, or dispute with somebody, try asking this set of questions, either in your head or out loud with them:
What mix of winning or losing are we at right now?
What actions or decisions of mine got us here? Only my own actions, not theirs.
What do I want out of this?
What do they want out of this?
What’s a solution that gets both of us there?
If you don’t know the answer to question #2, then look back at what’s listed in this post. Have you neglected to do one of the habits?
Once I’ve got an answer, I ask two more questions to make sure it sticks. When are we actually going to put this into practice? And how are we going to keep each other accountable to it?
That process alone handles most conflicts I run into. It works because it forces you to slow down and actually think through the other person’s side instead of just defending your own.