I read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People twice. These are the relationship principles I actually use.
Most people read 7 Habits book for the productivity stuff.
But the section thatâs actually changed how I treat people is the part on interdependence. Stephen Covey spends a huge chunk of the book on how trust gets built or destroyed in a relationship, and he gives you specific ways to think about it instead of just saying âbe a good person.â
By the end of this, youâll have a few tools from the section that you can actually put to use the next time youâre in a conflict or trying to build trust with someone.
Every Relationship Runs on an Emotional Bank Account
The biggest idea on trust in this whole book is that every relationship you have works like a bank account. You make deposits when you build trust, and withdrawals when you break it. Keep enough of a reserve built up, and the relationship can survive a rough patch. Let the account run dry, and even small mistakes turn into big problems.
I wrote it down for myself as this. Itâs my responsibility to build enough high reserve emotional bank accounts to be able to make withdrawals in times when I need help. Thatâs the whole point of putting deposits in before you need them. You donât want to be reaching for support from someone the first time youâve ever asked them for anything.
The flip side matters too. People are going to withdraw from your account sometimes, whether they mean to or not. When that happens, the move isnât to keep score or hold a grudge. Itâs to accept it, learn something from it, and get to a place where it doesnât sting anymore. You also get to decide, based on someoneâs pattern of deposits and withdrawals, how much room you give them going forward.
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Always Aim for Win or Win, Never Settle for Less
This is Habit 4, and itâs the one I use the most because I use it at work every single day. Iâm in sales, so my job is to sit across from somebody, hear what they actually need, and find a solution that works for both of us. Coveyâs big insight is that this same approach works in every relationship, not just sales.
Hereâs how Covey breaks it down. In any relationship, youâre either winning, meaning you feel good about the outcome, or losing, meaning you donât. The same is true for the other person. That gives you four possible outcomes.
Win/win means you both come out ahead. Lose/win means youâre neglecting your own needs to keep someone happy. Win/lose means youâre winning at their expense, usually by piling up evidence to prove youâre right and theyâre wrong. Lose/lose means nobodyâs happy and everybodyâs just being stubborn.
Never Promise What You Canât Deliver
A promise is one of the biggest deposits you can make into someoneâs trust account. Breaking one is one of the biggest withdrawals. Coveyâs point here is simple. Donât say youâll do something unless youâre actually going to do it.
It sounds obvious, but most broken trust in relationships comes from small broken promises stacking up, not one big betrayal. Showing up when you say you will, following through on the small stuff, thatâs what keeps the account full.
Donât Skip the Conversation About Expectations
A lot of tension between people isnât really about what happened. Itâs about two people expecting different things and never actually saying so out loud. Covey calls clarifying expectations one of the most important deposits you can make, and I wrote it down for myself as this. Donât put a limit on or take for granted the time and energy spent clarifying expectations, roles, and goals.
The fix is just talking about it early. Before youâre deep into a project, a friendship, or a partnership, spend the time actually laying out what each person expects from the other. It feels slow in the moment, but it saves you from the much bigger cost of a blowup later.
Make What Matters to Them Matter Just as Much to You
Understand whatâs important to the other person, and make whatâs important to them just as important to me as the relationship. Stephen Covey calls this understanding the individual. Itâs the deposit that makes every other deposit land better.
This isnât about agreeing with everything someone cares about. Itâs about actually knowing what matters to them instead of assuming itâs the same stuff that matters to you. A gift, a favor, or an apology only works as a deposit if itâs something they actually value.
If You Wouldnât Say It to Their Face, Donât Say It at All
The last one is about integrity when someone isnât in the room. I wrote it down as never say anything about someone that you wouldnât say to them directly, and donât try people without accusing them to their faces.
Covey calls this loyalty to the absent, and it might be the fastest way to earn deep trust from someone. When you defend people who arenât there to defend themselves, everyone in the room learns something about you. They learn youâll do the same for them.
Thatâs the wrap. Six principles, one book, all pointed at the same idea. Relationships arenât something that just happen to you. Theyâre something you build one deposit at a time.
Bonus: The Easiest Way to Win Any Argument or Conflict
Earlier I mentioned the win/win. Thatâs the principle I use the most in an argument or conflict at work or in life. The next time youâre in an argument, disagreement, or dispute with somebody, try asking this set of questions, either in your head or out loud with them: